Obviously, I haven't been updating the blog. And I am not going to apologize for it. This is a total stream of consciousness type of post, so forgive any weird sentences or half baked statements. I will not be answering any questions about it, nor will Robert. So kindly, do not ask us anything, nor make any passive aggressive comments about it.
I've mostly fallen out of love with knitting. I can sit with a project in my lap for hours, and not knit a single stitch. There is a part of me that has no idea what happened, and then the more honest portion of my being knows exactly what caused this.
People are assholes. People who message me online, or come to craft shows, or whatever the case may be, and insult me and my work, are assholes. And I'm tired of pretending that's not the case. When I have people comment on how "nice" my work is, but then scoff at the price, it hurts me. When they look at my stitches up close, to try to figure out how I did it, then flat out refuse to acknowledge that I sell my knitting patterns, it's painful. When I say "Thanks for looking" after I see them take photos to show someone, for them to rip off my work, I want to cry.
I've lost track of how many times I've cried about my knitting since my last update. Hell, I've lost track of how many times I've cried today. Off the top of my head, I can think of at least five people I talked to, where I was fighting off tears. They weren't all knitting related, but deep down, I know that's part of it. Knitting has been my therapy for the last decade, and now I don't have it, so my depression and anxiety are biting at my heels, no matter how quickly I try to run away from them.
Today, I had someone who liked an item I made. They wanted it in a different color, and I said I could do it, no problem. When I said it would be seventeen dollars, she said "That's a lot more than I wanted to pay. I was thinking more around the ten dollar mark." I wanted to scream. The version she had was more than double what she wanted to pay. My prices are reasonable. My time is worth more than a couple dollars an hour. I use yarns that are not inexpensive. She didn't pay a deposit, or pre-pay for the item, and I don't expect she will ever contact me about it again.
My amazing, wonderful, loving, fantastic, perfect husband that I don't know how I was so lucky to find, allowed me to order a sewing machine during the Black Friday deals. It arrived a few days later, and unfortunately, has stayed boxed up, since we're moving soon. Oh yeah, we're in the process of buying a house. That's happened since my last update. We started the process towards the end of October, around the time I tried the decluttering challenge. Anyway, I have this really awesome sewing machine that I am going to attempt to use regularly. I don't know what I'm going to make, but it's going to be my new therapy, maybe. We've been picking up little bits and pieces of fabric every time we've gone to Jo-Ann's. Some fat quarters, some remnants. Just any pattern that makes me happy. I know I have one that has a My Little Pony print, and I can't wait to make something fun out of that.
Old habits die hard, and I still constantly look at yarn. I want to make things to sell, but when I don't have the desire to knit, I know I'd just be feeding the stash, and we simply don't have money for that. Nor do I want the guilt involved with acquiring things that I may never actually use. I'm still enamoured with the idea of knitting, but the actual act of knitting makes me nauseous.
All this being said, I don't seen myself disappearing from the internet. I just renewed my domain a few months ago, and I don't want that to go to waste. But I'm kind of tired of paying for Squarespace. It's never been a good investment. I never did all the things with it that I wanted to do, and I just basically burn $10 every month for nothing. I'm going to find a way to save all my blog posts elsewhere, and make the two URLs I have redirect to facebook or some crap. I have no idea. I'm not ready to be a grown up.
I'm considering starting to do a little more creative writing again. I want to blog about our farmhouse shenanigans, but I worry that will make it seem like even more work than what it is. And does the world really need another blog? I haven't read my usual subscriptions in... maybe a year? I really don't know. And I don't think anyone ever really reads this either. So maybe a blog isn't the right idea. But I have this weird desire to write. Where to publish it, and how to go about doing that are completely beyond me, but it's something I've been entertaining for a bit.
Throughout my whole life, I've never really known what I want to be "when I grow up". And now, at nearly 28, I'm still not sure. But it feels like I need to decide quickly, before the whole world moves past me. The one thing I know for sure is that what I've been doing up till this point hasn't been quite right.